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tv   The Late Show With Stephen Colbert  CBS  May 24, 2018 11:35pm-12:37am PDT

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captioning sponsored by cbs >> tonight's late show was recorded when we only suspected the north korea summit would be canceled. turns out, we were right. >> the president's lawyer rudy giuliani is now suggesting that the president should sit for an interview with bob mueller. giuliani told "the washington post," i guess i'd rather do the interview if it gets it over with. >> before we get started -- let me just say this -- there was no collusion with russia other than my son don who was promised information on hillary clinton and he was told word came from russia and he said i love it and then he set up a meeting. a great boy. you also had people that were part of my campaign talking to russia and reagan about it and
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my tape, the one with the p.p. think of it, that's why i love putin. >> announcer: it's "the late show" with stephen colbert. tonight north korea. plus stephen welcomes anne hathaway, david sedaris and comedian ahmed bharoocha. featuring jon batiste and "stay human." and now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert! ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) >> stephen: hello! hey! whoa, whoa! ( cheers and applause ) thank you, everybody! hey! please! i love it. oh, man. listen, that's a thursday
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audience right there. >> jon: good vibes on thursday! >> stephen: alive on this planet! ( cheering ) welcome to the "late show." i'm your host, stephen colbert. ( cheering ) you know, the world continues to wait with baited breath and fully stocked bomb shelters to see if trump will have that summit with north korean dictator and bored mozzarella ball, kim jong-un. ( laughter ) trump is hoping that he can convince kim to end his country's nuclear program. and if trump is successful, it will be a monumental achievement. just ask him. >> do you deserve the nobel prize, do you think? >> everyone thinks so, but i would never say it. >> stephen: you just said it! that's you saying it! that's like standing up in a theater and shouting: "fire! fire! everybody's saying there's fire! i would never say it." ( laughter ) but now it looks like un is un-likely to attend. last week, he abruptly canceled
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talks with the south because it was holding joint military exercises with the u.s., which north korea called "a 'provocation' and a rehearsal for an invasion." ugh, i hate invasion rehearsals. ( laughter ) it's always at some lousy restaurant, and then you've got to hear the general's father deliver his teary speech. i prefer the invasion bachelor party. "shots! shots! people are firing a lot of shots!" ( laughter ) then kim got really upset over comments made by national security adviser and muppet on trial at the hague, john bolton, when bolton said that north korea must commit to a disarmament similar to "libya 2004," when libyan leader moammar gaddafi agreed to give up its nuclear program in return for sanctions relief. that turned out okay for gaddafi, right? can we ask him? can we ask parts of him?
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what's more, there are now -- oh, gadhafi fans here tonight. okay, i'm telling your mother. ( piano riff ) ( laughter ) then tuesday, when trump met with south korean president moon jae-in, he admitted the talks could totally collapse, but he's super chill about it. >> there's a very substantial chance that it won't work out, and that's okay. we'll see what happens. whether or not it happens. if it does, it will be great. it would be a great thing for north korea. if it doesn't, that is okay, too. whatever it is, it is. >> stephen: what? ( laughter ) no, that's exactly not okay. "whatever it is, it is. peace, war, whatevs. either way, i feel my bone spurs flaring up." ( laughter ) but don't worry about nuclear annihilation, trump has thought ahead and has a plan for who to blame.
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>> the president of china, president xi could be influencing kim jong-un. i think that president xi is a world-class poker player. >> stephen: as opposed to you, who couldn't win at poker when you owned the (bleep) casino. ( cheers and applause ) i'm sorry. but yesterday, trump reassured a troubled world that the summit will occur, maybe, who knows? >> some day a date will happen. it could very well be june 12th. some day a date will absolutely happen. it could very well be june 12th. we will see. we will know next week. >> stephen: did the president really just say, "some day a date will happen"? ( laughter ) i would call to complain if that was written inside a fortune cookie. ( laughter ) "someday a date will happen. maybe june 12th. it could be next week, it could be three weeks. nobody knows when june 12th will be.
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i think it's based on a lunar calendar, like easter. and i think 2018 is a leap twelfth." ( laughter ) ( applause ) ( piano riff ) but they better meet, because they've "already made the commemorative coin marking the occasion of the summit." well, now it has to happen. we already made the coins! we'll never get our deposit back on the band, and the six-foot party sub is on the way! let's take another look at this thing. it's got trump, and un, and i have to commend the designers. they were truly committed to jowl accuracy. ( laughter ) ( applause ) but that's not all. the back shows air force one escaping the mueller probe. ( laughter ) this is an exclusive, right?
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here at "the late show," we've already gotten a sneak peek of the new coin celebrating mideast peace. it's just a carton of eggs labeled, "chickens!" ( laughter ) meanwhile, things are looking even worse for trump lawyer michael cohen, which on the "late show," usually means it's time for "stormy watch!" ( thunder ) ♪ but, sorry, not today. no, today we have our much less sexy segment: the "cohen corner." ♪ this time it's news involving cohen's business parter and bono of the baltic, evgeny a. freidman. freidman and cohen were partners in a taxicab business, and freidman is known around new york city as "the taxi king." and according to the "new york times," cohen managed cabs for friedman even after new york city regulators barred mr. freidman last year.
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take it from me, you've got to do something pretty bad to get barred from cabs in new york. i'm talking at least two of the top three bodily fluids. friedman's charges stem from accusations that for each fare in his cab kingdom, he pocketed a 50-cent surcharge used to pay for mass transit improvements. wait, he took money meant to improve the subway? there's only two possible punishments: either he has to go to jail for life, or he has to ride the subway. ( laughter ) ( applause ) yep. ( piano riff ) and prosecutors are coming hard at the king, charging him with four counts of criminal tax fraud and one count of grand larceny, each carrying a maximum prison sentence of up to 25 years. that's 125 years in jail. by the time he gets out, the g train might finally have arrived.
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( laughter ) g train! we found the g spot. ( cheers and applause ) ( piano riff ) thank you, jon. that was worthy of celebration. but it looks like freidman is going to stay a free man because he has agreed to cooperate with the government as a potential witness and has specifically agreed to assist government prosecutors in state or federal investigations. pretty good deal. you get to stay out of prison, plus you don't have to be friends with michael cohen anymore. ( laughter ) and michael cohen doesn't need any more bad news, because he's got more bad news. after the election, cohen realized paying off porn stars out of your own pocket is not a great business model. ( laughter ) luckily, he did have some incoming cash. the bbc is reporting that michael cohen received a secret payment of $400,000 to set up talks between the ukrainian president and donald trump. in this case, cohen's not trump's fixer-- he's trump's pimp!
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( laughter ) and he promises, for $400,000 you get oval. ( laughter ) >> jon: wow. wow... wow... >> stephen: did i read that right? >> jon: yes. >> stephen: i did not read that right. all right. all right. keep going. all right. all right. no, forward, forward, forward! there. the bbc got wind of this payoff from a source in kiev, and the ukrainians agree, ukranian president petro poroshenko's inner circle were shocked by how dirty this whole arrangement with cohen was. come on. ukraine. it takes two to "tropotianka." ( laughter ) one assumes that that is a traditional dance of some sort. don't play high and mighty. it's like telling your mistress, "i can't believe you'd sleep with me, a married man." ( laughter ) but most disgusting of all was
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that this seems to have worked. the meeting between poroshenko and trump was held at the white house last june, and shortly after, ukraine's anti-corruption agency stopped its investigation into trump's former campaign manager, paul manafort. ( audience reacts ) now, to save manafort, all cohen has to do is arrange a meeting between the ukrainian president and robert mueller. ( laughter ) we've got a great show for you tonight. anne hathaway is here. but when we come back, the senate race in arizona is heating up. but it's a dry heat. stick around! ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing )
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marshall tuck will change that. in california, 3 million kids can't read at grade level. tuck turned around struggling schools, raising graduation rates over 60%. marshall tuck for state superintendent. marshall tuck. ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) >> stephen: yeah, jon batiste
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and "stay human"! hey, hey! yes, sir! we are 166 days away from the midterms, and this year's midterms are more important than ever, because they are also more insane than ever. which means it's time for even more "profiles in discourage." ♪ tonight, we look at the senate race in arizona, where there's a seat opening this year thanks to the retirement of arizona senator and human paper doll, jeff flake. ( laughter ) here are just a few of the people running for flake's seat. first up: why, it's former sheriff and angry stay-puft marshmallow man, joe arpaio! ( booing ) friends of the sheriff here. you might remember joe arpaio for his over-the-top cruel prison policies or that he was found guilty of criminal contempt for disregarding a court order to stop racially profiling latinos, only to be pardoned by trump. so arpaio never even served time for the crime he committed. which is lucky for him, because
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i hear arizona prisons were designed by a monster. ( laughter ) and what platform is this 85-year-old racist running on? "he vows to keep pushing birtherism." really? obama's birth certificate? come on, you're living in the past. today's republicans are forward-looking. they want to hear about hillary's emails! ( laughter ) but arpaio has a challenger for who's going to drive the senate campaign clown car. he's got to contend with former state senator and recovering hair-straightener addict, kelli ward. ward is a conservative who lost a run against john mccain in 2016, and during that campaign, she appeared on the radio show of conspiracy theorist and screaming tuber, alex jones. jones brought up the idea that running against mccain might put ward in danger. >> i just want you to watch your back, because that guy is just such a gangster. >> yes, you know, i've had people who have told me that i should get an auto-starter on my car, that i should never be starting my own car.
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i really hope things haven't gotten that far out of control, that i should be fearful for my life. >> stephen: that's insane. buying an auto-starter because you're afraid john mccain's going to have you killed? no. you buy one to get the a.c. blasting before the arizona sun poaches your skull into "brains benedict" before you leave your parking space! ( applause ) people have been to arizona. ( laughter ) and kelli's no stranger to strange. back in 2014, she also held a town hall to "address community concerns about chemtrails." chemtrails is the conspiracy theory that the government uses aircraft to spray chemicals that do everything, "ranging from sterilization to mind control." so the same chemicals as in cheez balls. ( laughter ) by the way, if you make mind-control chemicals that don't make people okay with being mind-controlled, you should get out of the mind-control business.
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( laughter ) but guess what, arizona. this crazy train has one more station. because small business owner and time-travelling musketeer, craig brittain is also running for senate. brittain is only 33, but already -- only 35, but already has plenty of experience-- that should disqualify him. for instance, he was the founder of "a revenge-porn site which published nude photographs of women without their consent, which could then be removed in exchange for a payment of $200 to $500." ( booing ) or as brittain's official bio calls it, being a technology entreprenuer. oh, really! in that case, jack the ripper was a "stabbing enthusiast." brittain has a bold agenda of ending taxation. but don't worry, he does have a plan to fund the government. just don't be surprised when you get a letter from the i.r.s. saying "we've got your nudes, brenda. pay for the fire department, or we show them to your grandma!"
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( applause ) you stay strong, brenda! so it's a classic arizona matchup between chemtrail lady, revenge porn guy, and sheriff convict, in what i'm calling "showdown at the 'this is not o.k.' corral!" we'll be right back with anne hathaway! ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) ♪
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i'm jeff bleich. preventing violence has long been my cause. in the face of senseless violence, we need hope. after columbine, i led president clinton's youth violence commission. i joined joe biden to reduce domestic violence, helping boys become men. i beat the nra in court, defending gun laws that save lives.
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today, a new generation is rising, and this is our moment. in the streets and in the capitol, i'll stand with them. jeff bleich. democrat for lieutenant governor. ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) >> stephen: hey, everybody! yes, sir! ( cheers and applause ) welcome back to "the late show," everybody! ladies and gentlemen, my first guest is an oscar winner you know from "the intern," "les miserables," and "the devil wears prada." she now stars in "ocean's 8." please welcome anne hathaway!
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( cheers and applause ) ♪ >> hi, guys! hey! >> stephen: hi! how are ya? >> i'm great, thank you. how are you? >> stephen: i'm feeling good. i'm feeling good. i like the sparkles. >> you like the spoorkles? i like your place. >> stephen: oh, thanks very much. yeah, we fixed it up a bit. >> it looks even better in person. >> stephen: oh, thanks very much. so do you. ( laughter ) but i know that already because my wife and i are lucky to spend a fair amount of an evening with you and your husband adam at the kennedy honors a few years ago and i was struck by how normal you were. >> we were swallowing our tongues the entire time after you left.
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we were jumping up and down, so excited to meet you. >> stephen: really? you're a big deal. >> stephen: you're an oscar winner, though. i think you did a cart wheel in the lobby of the hotel or something like that. you were practicing for the -- >> i was probably drunk. >> stephen: wow. that's what made you seem normal. >> it was a great night. >> stephen: but as an oscar winner yourself, do you still get -- do you still get star struck? because you've worked with some incredible people. just a quick c.v. we know the princess diaries, devil devil, rachel getting married. dark knight rises, "les miserables," the intern intern, you worked with meryl streep, jackman -- do you ever have to struggle to keep your cool? >> oh, yeah. i don't know if you noticed, i have a blush going on right now being next to you. it's really exciting. ( cheering ) i do. >> stephen: you are what we
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call a great guest. >> thank you. it's gotten easier since i've had my son. something about releasing a human from your body does wonderful things to your perspective. >> stephen: sure. ( laughter ) >> but in the beginning, it was not easy, and i actually remember this one thing with meryl streep, i think you're going to like this story, we were working on th "the devil ws prada," and there was a screen where andy and miranda were getting out of the car and we had to sit in the car and circle. i was going to get a whole scene to sit in a car with her just her and me. i was freaking out. talking can be hard for me -- sorry, i'll explain later -- so but i was, like, i'm going to take advantage of this moment and force myself to speak to meryl streep. i had to impress her. i email going to be cultured for meryl streep.
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i was, like, merrill, have you ever heard the nick drake album pink moon? no, i haven't. i can burn you a copy. that would be lovely, thank you so much. we do the first take. circling the block the second time, i said, merrill, have you ever read the new jefferies book? she says, no, i haven't. i said, i can lend you my copy. she said that would be wonderful. the third time around i thought, this is going well. i said, merrill, did you see "the late show" with jon stewart last night? he is so brilliant, i think h he is saving america. dead silence. now, the thing i said i was going to explain earlier is i have anxiety, and if you have anxiety and you force yourself to talk to someone, being in silence is like being thrown into a demonic pit. it's so bad. i'm sitting in the silence, thinking my life is over. then finally, she goes -- no, i
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don't think jon stewart is going to save america. i think stephen colbert is. ( cheering ) ( applause ) stephen, stephen, stephen, stephen! >> stephen: may i remind you, she's a very good actress. ( laughter ) >> but not a good liar. you'd been on the air three weeks, by the way, and merrill called and predicted it. here we all are, and we all agree. ( cheering ) >> stephen: i disagree, but so nice of you to tell me that story. so there you are, what does the path feel like for you? so "the devil wears prada" was princess diary was really the big break, right? "the devil wears prada" was a
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few years after that. how do you draw a line from the first time you're on the screen to being with meryl streep who is the greatest living actress of any kind. what's that first moment on screen with you? >> i got a better homes and gardens commercial when i was 14. that was my first on-screen job. >> stephen: we looked to see what the first one was and we guessed this would be the first one. can you tell me anything about it? anything i need to know about this before we -- >> yeah, when i was 14, my face looked like a potato and if a chipmunk had a baby, it was me. >> stephen: i don't believe it. but let's go. ♪ >> so it's true, isn't it? you guys really are moving? >> yeah. well, that's just great. listen, they have to sell the house first. >> so? elling a house takes time. we'll at least have the whole summer together. >> you think?
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( suspenseful music ) >> i'll miss you! nobody sells homes better than better homes and gardens real estate. >> stephen: brava! you touched me! ( applause ) >> that paid for my first year of college. it ran for a very long time. >> stephen: wow, i think i remember that commercial. >> really? >> stephen: i think i was 40. ( laughter ) >> stephen: was that easy for you? because the first time i was on camera i freaked out. was that easy for you to do? >> if you note the unevenness of my performance, there was a reason. it was the first time on camera. i didn't know we were actually making the commercial until three hours into shooting. so i was, like, saving it. i was, like, i want to be really good for when the cameras were actually rolling.
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i thought they were moving the camera because they didn't like the angle. it was bad. >> stephen: what did you find out? >> i overheard one of the producers being, like, i don't know what happened, she was really good in the audition. and i pulled it right together. >> stephen: now you've got the new movies "ocean's 8". it's an incredible cast. >> no love for "ocean's 8" from this audience? ( cheers and applause ) thank you. thank you very much. >> stephen: they just didn't want to interrupt me. sandra bullock, cate blanchett, mindy kaling, sar sarah paulson, aqua fina, helen carter. who do you play? >> daphne cougar, a two-time academy award winning celebrity, and she is choking on her own id. >> stephen: really? and you are the target. >> i am the target of the caper. they're focusing on me. they want man me to win this ind
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my expensive necklace they're going to steal from me. >> stephen: ever been to the met gala? >> i have. >> stephen: hard to get drunk there. >> i don't agree with you. ( laughter ) no, that's the thing, when you find the one bar, you have to take your shot, then take another. >> stephen: yes. what's happening in this clip here? >> my character has not been able to find a designer for her dress and the girls have just made her jealous by trotting out a much younger actress and i'm mad at my assistant for not letting me meet with this designer. >> penelope stern, is she even old enough to go to the met ball? >> pairntdly. who cares who's dressing her anyway? >> i think page 6. never met with rose. you said i met with everybody. >> you said he was a relic. i meant iconic. do you want me to set up a
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meeting? >> yes! okay. so you're the bad guy. ( cheers and applause ) >> i saw the movie the other day. i love it. it's so good. my husband was with me when i saw it. he turned to me in the middle and goes, you're disgusting! >> stephen: i'm glad that surprised him. >> i was happy, meant i did my job right. >> stephen: anne, thank you so much for being here. "ocean's 8" is in theaters on june 8th. anne hathaway, everybody! back with david sedaris! ♪
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we just bundled home and auto and saved money. that's nothing to be afraid of. -but -- -good night, kyle. [ switch clicks, door closes ] ♪ i told you i was just checking the wiring in here, kyle. he's never like this. i think something's going on at school. -[ sighs ] -he's not engaging.
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( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) >> stephen: hey, everybody! welcome back! ( cheers and applause ) ladies and gentlemen -- folks, you are in for an absolute treat because my next guest is the author of best-selling memoirs "me talk pretty one day" and "dress your family in corduroy and denim." his newest is "calypso." please welcome david sedaris! ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) >> stephen: welcome back. thank you so much. >> stephen: nice to see ya. you, too. >> stephen: now, you're giving this weekend -- you have a real honor coming up. you're a graduation speaker.
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where are you doing it this time? >> overland. >> stephen: nice liberal place, oberland. >> i know you've done a few. you have two audience, the students and their parents. it's hard to talk to both groups at the same time. >> stephen: do you have a plan or are you going to pick one side or the other? >> i'm going to go back and forth. i mean, i went to the art institute of chicago. >> stephen: oh, yes, i remember. >> so our graduation speaker was a conceptual artist, vito, and he had built a ramp and gallery and crouched beneath it and master baited two weeks without stopping. that's what he actually did. >> stephen: wow. so he's a 14-year-old artist. ( laughter ) >> my mom didn't know, so i explained to her who he was. and she said, you could do that! ( laughter ) it gave the parents hope. >> stephen: good your mom's pulling for ya.
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( audience reacts ) i mean -- that is not -- that is not in any way -- that is not in any way what i meant. i mean that she was, you know, behind you the whole way. ( laughter ) i should move on. so what do you want to tell the grads? what's your advice? because here you are a sage voice of literature. you know, a famous writer. what are you going to tell the kids? >> well, you know, it kind of makes you wonder, like, what do i know? what wisdom do i have? so i started keeping a list of my wisdom. so part of it is you have to be really careful about scented candles. there's really only two kinds worth having. >> stephen: yes. and if you don't get those two kinds of scented candles, you have to go without. >> stephen: what are the two kinds? >> diptique or trudong.
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>> stephen: both french companies. >> yes. at commencement, this probably happened to you, the parents probably said to you if you're going to be in the arts you need something to fall back on. but i think if you find something to fall back on, you're gonna fall back. >> stephen: right. but i think the parents just don't want their child to be broke and suffer rejection. >> stephen: sure. but at 22, you're built for poverty and rejection. ( laughter ) >> stephen: that's true, yeah. in part because you're good looking. i mean, i don't think, as a kid, you don't realize it. maybe those 22-year-olds are comparing themselves to the person sitting next to them or two rows up, but they are stunning, they just can't see it. but when you get to be 60, then you're, like, why did nobody tell me! >> stephen: that you were beautiful.
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>> yes, and if you are gay you want to get in a time machine and have sex with yourself. that's how bad it is. but you don't see it when you're that age. >> stephen: no, you don't. that's a creepy message. are you going to deliver that message? >> yeah, it's part of my -- >> stephen: you know they're going to see this before you get there. >> i've got an eight-part message that i'm imparting. >> stephen: good. is any of it in your new book calypso, david sedaris? >> no. >> stephen: what is in calypso? it's your tenth book. what can we expect? >> the title story, i was lying in bed one morning, i was in france and i found a lump at the base of my ribcage. i went to a doctor, and it was a tumor, it was just a fatty tumor, a lipoma. >> stephen: benign. yeah, the doctor said dogs get 'em all the time. >> stephen: and that's supposed to make you feel
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better. >> yeah. i said, can i have it cut out? he said, you could. he made me sound vain, so i just pulled my bathing suit up higher. but i started thinking, if you had your tons also out, your cat would want to eat them. if you threw them to the dog, he would snap them out of the air and say, were those tonsils? but a cat would be happy to eat your tons also. >> stephen: they wouldn't know and you couldn't judge them. >> no, no. so we got a house on the canal and it was filled with snapping turtles. i thought, i bet a turtle would want to eat my tumor. i went to sawrnlgenneno the coast and he said he would cut it out and i said, great, because i want to feed it to a snapping turtle. ( laughter ) and he said -- ( laughter ) >> stephen: and he said? he said it's against the law
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for me to give you anything i remove from your body. but they give women babies, right? ( laughter ) how is that fair? so i went on stage. i was in el paso. i told that story on stage. this woman came up and said, i'll cut it out of you. i said, well, i have a book signing out of the show. she said, i'm a night owl. and so she -- >> stephen: was she a doctor? he was a doctor. she said, look, i'm a doctor, i'm not a surgeon, but i took a few classes. ( laughter ) and she said, if i open you up and it's above my pay grade, we'll figure something out. i said, okay. so she cut the tumor out of me. >> stephen: how?! with a knife. >> stephen: i know, but were you under? >> no, i was wide awake. >> stephen: a local anesthetic? >> yeah. i sawed are my intestines hanging out? she said, no, it's just a little
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pocket, a little pouch. >> stephen: no details. ( laughter ) >> so she shipped them on ice to my sister, lisa, in north carolina. lisa brought them to the beach, i fed them to the snapping turtle and he was happy to have my tumor. >> stephen: that's the story? yeah. >> stephen: all that and more in calypso out next tuesday. david sedaris, everybody! we'll be right back with comedian ahmed bharoocha! ( cheers and applause ) or a lasting impression without it. ♪ ♪ don't turn your house into a home without it. ♪ ♪ don't go live... or even share a moment without it. and don't watch her dance like nobody's watching without it. whatever you do, don't forget that the more you live forward, the more you need someone at your back. ♪ ♪ the powerful backing of american express. don't live life without it.
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( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: hey, everybody! welcome back to "the late show." folks, my next guest is a standup comedian whose debut album "almond badoody" is available now on itunes. eael a boc >> thank you! a little bit about me. my dad is muslim, my mom is catholic, so i am neither. ( laughter ) not sure what i am.
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i don't think i'm an atheist. not because i don't think there could be nothing but because i don't like the attitude that comes with being an eatiest. i feel like in life we're all just walking on a tight rope off a skyscraper in just fog and no one can see beyond the fog but everyone keeps falling off. everyone you heard of falls off, your grandparents, a kid in high school falls off once. you're just trying to not to fall off and you look down and someone says, hey, don't worry about it, i heard when you fall there's a net down there that catches you and it feels really nice. and you're, like, okay, that's good. and atheists are like, there's no net! no net! and you're, like, stop shaking the rope. there's no net, just jagged rocks, then we die and it hurts. shut up, i'm trying not to fall! you think there's no net? no, but probably a pillow or
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even more fog would be okay. just let people think there's a not. the problem isn't thinking thereas a net, it's thinking the net hates gay people. my net's going to be girls who want to have sex with me. your net's a pervert. why is it trying to hook you up? ( laughter ) everyone's afraid of refugees and clowns. that's, like, the two biggest fears out there. ( laughter ) it's sad, my dad was a refugee when he was 16, he escaped from burma to pakistan which really says a lot about burma. ( laughter ) just woke up one day and says, we got to get to a more stable country like pakistan. ( laughter ) things are a little more even keel over there. people say there's no way to vet these guys.
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check their facebook, duh! it's, like, wie live in a time where everyone's just posting all their emotions online for the last ten years. check their facebook. if they only have one profile picture and they're only friends with hot girls, put them in the maybe pile. ( laughter ) if they're just sharing cat videos, let them in. i.s.i.s. is not watching cat videos. not, like, hey, we got to cut this guy's head off. oh, wait, the cat is stuck in a paper bag. so adorable. still use mouse pads over there. my uncle on my pakistani side doesn't like hearing bad things about pakistan, so he doesn't like hearing a lot of things. and -- ( laughter ) i went to his house and at his house he only has pakistani indian tv which if you haven't seen it is, like, 24-hour music videos, but every indian music video is the same exact music video. it's always a guy chasing a girl but there's a pillar in the way.
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( laughter ) ( applause ) can't get around the pillar. the pillar is like the number one form of birth control in india. it's not working too well. there's a lot of indians. ( laughter ) there's a break in the music videos. on comes the news. news starts talking about a pakistani terrorist, and my uncle is like, no, no, no, huh-uh. you see these guys t pakistani isha?t they're indians trying to be pakistany. i said how would you know that? he said they're uncircumcised. i said, how would you know that? themselves up they find the bodies uncircumcised. so my uncle thinks after the terrorist blows himself up and the dust settles, laying in the
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dirt is just an unscathed, uncircumcisedpenis, and then a huge government cover up, we've got to get these (bleep) out of here! ( applause ) that joke's called paki-sak. ( laughter ) thank you. i am half white, so i do have half white guilt, you know. ( laughter ) like my little sister, she just brought her new boyfriend to the family, happens to be a black guy, which is okay, but put me in an awkward situation, because i was torn between playing the o yourolder protective brotherbh little sister brings home you're supposed to be like, hey, stay the hell away from my sister! just because you're a guy. i'm cool. but keep your thing in your
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pants. not that your thing is any different than anyone else's thing, it's still a thing, so i'm watching you. also watching barbershop 2 later if you'd like to join, a fantastic film. i like black people. hey, you guys have been fantastic. thank you very much! >> stephen: you can see him headlining the cap city comedy club in austin, texas this weekend. ahmed bharoocha, everybody! we'll be right back!
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>> stephen: well, that's it for the "late show," everybody! i'll see you tomorrow! now stick around for james corden. good night! captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org ♪ are you ready y'all to have some fun ♪ feel the love tonight don't you worry 'bout ♪ where it is you come from it'll be all right ♪ it's the late, late show

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